Life is like a strange fruit. Its exhausting. I feel like I’m an animal in captivity, or lost at sea. Yet, freedom is just around the corner. I just gotta stick this one out.. It’s hard. I feel like I can’t do anything as long as I’ve got college shit all over me, breathing down my neck like a hungry monster. I keep telling my self to suck it up and just do it, but my bed is too cozy and coffee is so much nicer than essays. I can do both at the same time ofc, but then again I rather doodle.
In February I finally got to see Alt-J playing live. It was so beautiful I cried.
I’ve been to Copenhagen and Amsterdam on holiday. It was really nice. However, I still can’t shake off my bad conscious about all the work i should’ve done. I wanna go back to England. I miss it, and everyone there. My man makes me feel a little better, though. My bearded, sleepy ska8erboy.
I don’t know if I’m going to stay in Oslo after summer or not. My plan was to work for a year and then figure out what to do, but i’m being thrown out of my apartment in only two weeks because my landlord is loco loco, so I’m really indecisive of what to do. I’m trying to find a new place, but nothing appeals to me. Probably because I love it so much where I live now. I might just travel somewhere. I don’t know, I’ll figure something out. I always do.
I feel like every time I write something here, it’s just weird, messed up thoughts with no content and blah. I don’t know. My life is just a mess. Maybe when I finally finish college hell and get my long lost freedom back, my inspiration and creativity and joy will flow back into my limbs. Maybe life can finally blossom. I hope so. I’ll keep you updated. (I’ll try, at least.)
Peace and love to you all.
Wow, hello 2k15. A new year with lots of coffee and late night dancing, hopefully some new friends and experiences. I’m seeing Alt-J (heart) in February and I’m going to Amsterdam in April. I’ve got a few new tattoos planned (which is always very exciting!!) and in five months i’ll be finished with college forever and I really can’t wait (!!!!). I still haven’t decided whether to stay in Oslo and work for another year, go back to England for further studies or just pack a bag and get a train somewhere exotic.. I guess time will show.
I’ve closed quite a few chapters in my life during the past year. Ended some of those paths that didn’t lead nowhere; which, although painful, probably is the best for my own psyche and health. I’m trying not to be cheesy with lots of new year resolutions, but i know that this year, I want to focus on taking care of myself and stop wasting time. I want to finish college with decent grades I’ve actually worked for. Well, most of all, I want to FINISH, and not drop out, which in fact is really tempting, but man, I’m gunna stick this one out, no doubt. And I’m gunna be happy, first and foremost. No more rainy, duvet-days,. I rather be out jumping in the puddles!
There’s a new flower growing in my garden. Bursting with color. A special someone who give me butterflies and the giggles. A special someone who make me smile brighter than the morning sun and laugh louder than the birds sing when spring arrives after a long, dark winter. It’s exciting. My heart skips a beat whenever he kiss me, and when he holds me, I feel safer and happier than I have in a very long time. Cheers to wonderful, beardy men, kisses and cheesy new year resolutions. (and as I’ve said before,i will try my best to publish my shizzle more frequently, bc in the end, i do love this whole blog thing.)
Listen to: The Growlers and Balthazar whilst enjoying brighter days x
1) Sandro took a selfie, but it didn’t quite work and got a bit blurry. 2) Ruben and Stian looking fly as ever, a friday night a few weeks back, at Fisk og Vilt. 3) Fave spot at Liebeling. 4) Carlings N60 at the red carpet for Triaden Awards. 5) When I met Ine for the first time after six years of being internet friends. It was really nice, she is really nice!
Just a few photos taken with my iPhone from the past month or so. I really want to blog a lot more than what I do, but I find it really difficult when i don’t bring my camera everywhere n stuff. I will try harder, I miss it. And I need to put my mind on something that’ll help me through these cold and gray days. Have a lovely monday, and hopefully we’ll speak soon! x
I’m in a weird place at the moment. To be honest, I always seem to be in a weird place, nothing ever seem to be like it should be. This undefined feeling that most people would address as depression, is becoming a consuming, never ending part of my life. Its like a dull mist clouding my thoughts and actions. It feels like i’m on a constant search for something that I yet do not know what is. And its been this way for as long as I can remember. Obviously I have good days too, its not all sadness, don’t get me wrong. But what do I do? How can I escape this shadow of mine, that follows every single step I take, constantly breathing down my neck?
Im disconnected to the world. My head, my body, is empty. Its as if my soul, my mind, the thing that I can call ‘me’ is outside this empty shell, body, that is supposed to be my fortress, and not in a good way. It’s not like an astrophysical projection, where I freely and purposely leave and look down on the body hosting my soul. No, its like i’m trying to escape from it. However, I’ve still got enough control left to know this and force it to stay. I have yet a long time left on this planet to let it slip away. I know in my guts that there is too much I’ve yet got to see, experience and discover to even think about giving up. Im not suicidal, although all this babbling may give that impression. I’m really not. But I’m sick and tired of everything. I’ve got nothing else to grasp other than the thought of getting far away to a place where no one knows me, so that I can start over. Begin a new life. Right now, it feels like everything is holding me back. I’m so limited it makes me physically sick. I cant eat, I can’t sleep. I have no energy to make a move, yet I have this massive need to move forward. I want to create beautiful things, make music and art, go to museums, dance in the rain, kiss and make passionate love, wear cool clothes, have a cat and my own place. All these random little things that I know would only temporarily please me, but still comfort me for a while. I want to be free. Thats what I want. I want to be free and content and happy with and inside my self. That wont happen in a while. There are too many obligations and expectations from society at the moment, to even consider it.
I smoke cigarette after cigarette, letting the deadly smoke fill my lungs while I look at this gloomy city that no longer pleases or satisfies me. I want to become a better version of myself, but how can I become better than who I am? Is that even possible? Aren’t my flaws and mistakes what makes me me? But who am I? What am I about? Is that even important?
The most important person in my life left me because apparently I’m too good for my own good. WHY? It hurts. He couldn’t let himself bring me down in the mud with him anymore. But am I not already rolling blindly around in the mud? I understand his actions, I know he’s right, that he did it for the best of both of us, but in a way it feels like a betrayal? Or am I just selfish? I am okay with it, aren’t I? I am. But I can’t breathe. I’m so confused. Lonely. Angry. How do I get rid of all this frustration? Someone take it all away! Someone drag me up from the mud and push me down the path I need to go! But what path is that? How could someone else than me possibly know? I have to figure it out myself, don’t I?
And the loneliness. Oh, this loneliness, it’s tearing me apart on the inside. I know one can’t be truly happy if one isn’t happy with oneself. But is it too much to ask, to have the comfort of another human being? Is it too much to ask to have a place to go and get hugs and kisses until I figure out everything else? If I only had someone to care for, someone to care for me, wouldn’t that just make things a little easier? Maybe my loneliness is for a reason? Maybe its the universe telling me that I need to learn to stand on my own to feet? That I need to find steady ground under my feet before I move onto something my heart might not be strong enough to handle? Why am I so weak? Yet, am I not strong? I’m like a ship in a storm, on unsteady sea, looking for a shore, but right now, all I can see around me is tall, dangerous waves that, if they hit me, would drown me, merciless. Shipwreck?
// Photos I took of Charlie a few months back