I’m in a weird place at the moment. To be honest, I always seem to be in a weird place, nothing ever seem to be like it should be. This undefined feeling that most people would address as depression, is becoming a consuming, never ending part of my life. Its like a dull mist clouding my thoughts and actions. It feels like i’m on a constant search for something that I yet do not know what is. And its been this way for as long as I can remember. Obviously I have good days too, its not all sadness, don’t get me wrong. But what do I do? How can I escape this shadow of mine, that follows every single step I take, constantly breathing down my neck?
Im disconnected to the world. My head, my body, is empty. Its as if my soul, my mind, the thing that I can call ‘me’ is outside this empty shell, body, that is supposed to be my fortress, and not in a good way. It’s not like an astrophysical projection, where I freely and purposely leave and look down on the body hosting my soul. No, its like i’m trying to escape from it. However, I’ve still got enough control left to know this and force it to stay. I have yet a long time left on this planet to let it slip away. I know in my guts that there is too much I’ve yet got to see, experience and discover to even think about giving up. Im not suicidal, although all this babbling may give that impression. I’m really not. But I’m sick and tired of everything. I’ve got nothing else to grasp other than the thought of getting far away to a place where no one knows me, so that I can start over. Begin a new life. Right now, it feels like everything is holding me back. I’m so limited it makes me physically sick. I cant eat, I can’t sleep. I have no energy to make a move, yet I have this massive need to move forward. I want to create beautiful things, make music and art, go to museums, dance in the rain, kiss and make passionate love, wear cool clothes, have a cat and my own place. All these random little things that I know would only temporarily please me, but still comfort me for a while. I want to be free. Thats what I want. I want to be free and content and happy with and inside my self. That wont happen in a while. There are too many obligations and expectations from society at the moment, to even consider it.
I smoke cigarette after cigarette, letting the deadly smoke fill my lungs while I look at this gloomy city that no longer pleases or satisfies me. I want to become a better version of myself, but how can I become better than who I am? Is that even possible? Aren’t my flaws and mistakes what makes me me? But who am I? What am I about? Is that even important?
The most important person in my life left me because apparently I’m too good for my own good. WHY? It hurts. He couldn’t let himself bring me down in the mud with him anymore. But am I not already rolling blindly around in the mud? I understand his actions, I know he’s right, that he did it for the best of both of us, but in a way it feels like a betrayal? Or am I just selfish? I am okay with it, aren’t I? I am. But I can’t breathe. I’m so confused. Lonely. Angry. How do I get rid of all this frustration? Someone take it all away! Someone drag me up from the mud and push me down the path I need to go! But what path is that? How could someone else than me possibly know? I have to figure it out myself, don’t I?
And the loneliness. Oh, this loneliness, it’s tearing me apart on the inside. I know one can’t be truly happy if one isn’t happy with oneself. But is it too much to ask, to have the comfort of another human being? Is it too much to ask to have a place to go and get hugs and kisses until I figure out everything else? If I only had someone to care for, someone to care for me, wouldn’t that just make things a little easier? Maybe my loneliness is for a reason? Maybe its the universe telling me that I need to learn to stand on my own to feet? That I need to find steady ground under my feet before I move onto something my heart might not be strong enough to handle? Why am I so weak? Yet, am I not strong? I’m like a ship in a storm, on unsteady sea, looking for a shore, but right now, all I can see around me is tall, dangerous waves that, if they hit me, would drown me, merciless. Shipwreck?
// Photos I took of Charlie a few months back