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deep blue

I remember it all, as if it was yesterday. However the memories gradually become more hazy, more distant. Almost like they’re tucked in cotton and put to sleep. Yet, they’re so vivid. I guess the music of dawn awoke me. The harsh reality brutally forced its way through the dreamy dim and knocked on my door. I ignored it at first, obviously. Who would want to wake up and leave the land of dreams? It was almost like when my alarm goes off in the morning. I snoozed it and clutched on to the fairytale for as long as I possibly could. I thought we were going to have a happy ending. You were my knight in shining armour with magical words with which you cast a spell on my heart. Or maybe it was a curse? I got lost in the warmth being sent to me. It was a dream of reality, nothing less. We had to choose between what was wanted and what was needed. You had to choose. It wasn’t my call. I’m overwhelmed by both heart ache and relief. Suddenly, I need to put myself first. But how do I do that?

The pain has torn us apart, and although it seems peaceful, there is only sadness there. You have a mountain to climb. I said I would climb it with you. But you were on a one man path with no room for me. As long as we’re not together, we can’t fight. But then again, this battle isn’t mine, it’s yours. The mistakes aren’t mine, they’re yours. It’s your poison in my lungs. So maybe, despite the pain i’m feeling in my heart, which once bursted with love and joy, its better, for me too, to be alone? I have my own battle, which I fight every day. I cant see the light in the end of the tunnel yet, like you can. The source of my enemy is unknown and hiding within my own head. How can I fight an enemy I cant see? I need to rebuild the brick wall, towering like a fortress inside me, that was once protecting me.

You said my soul is golden, with a bright, purple aura. But what do you know about that? How can I be golden, when all I feel is blue? But then again, who am I to judge your honest and mistakes? All I do is run. Unlike you, I’m too scared to face my dark sides.

Its painful being able to realize the desires of others. It’s sad not being able to realize your own desires. So I’m drowning my thoughts in coffee and late night drunkenness, just so that I can escape this feeling that haunts me. The cigarettes helps me breathe. Watching all the people on the streets and their little details, helps the time pass. 

You think this monstrous pain is your creation, but darling dear, you need to understand that although your absence is killing me, the pain was already there when you swept me off my feet, and has always been. You dropping me back down on the floor again, bruised me and ripped open a few wounds, but believe me when I say it wasn’t all you. Maybe you would’ve known if you ever took the time to step out of your own bubble and look inside mine?

I’ve just changed my cash into chips. I need to open my eyes and see what cards has been dealt, then play my game. I’ve only just sat down by the poker table. This game isn’t complete yet; the final hand hasn’t been dealt. And all though I’m out of place, waiting for the snow that wont fall, everyday is a step in the opposite direction of the past, following a path that will lead to closure and happiness. The memory of our fairytale gradually distances and tonight, I will bring it to sleep with me, so that I will not be taken away by the waves of the night.

Written 17.09.14.

  1. susanne says:

    herregud så sjukt vakkert. fikk frysningar.

  2. ine says:

    <3 i think you're fantastic. and i can relate with your words.

  3. Psych Cowboy says:

    Beautiful words, so sad and delicately written. Keep going, in all respects, I would love to hear an update on this when you have one.


  4. Xx says:

    This is painfully beautiful and breathtaking

  5. jjj says:

    Beautiful words from a beautiful mind… Would love to hear the rest <3