I remember it all, as if it was yesterday. However the memories gradually become more hazy, more distant. Almost like they’re tucked in cotton and put to sleep. Yet, they’re so vivid. I guess the music of dawn awoke me. The harsh reality brutally forced its way through the dreamy dim and knocked on my door. I ignored it at first, obviously. Who would want to wake up and leave the land of dreams? It was almost like when my alarm goes off in the morning. I snoozed it and clutched on to the fairytale for as long as I possibly could. I thought we were going to have a happy ending. You were my knight in shining armour with magical words with which you cast a spell on my heart. Or maybe it was a curse? I got lost in the warmth being sent to me. It was a dream of reality, nothing less. We had to choose between what was wanted and what was needed. You had to choose. It wasn’t my call. I’m overwhelmed by both heart ache and relief. Suddenly, I need to put myself first. But how do I do that?
The pain has torn us apart, and although it seems peaceful, there is only sadness there. You have a mountain to climb. I said I would climb it with you. But you were on a one man path with no room for me. As long as we’re not together, we can’t fight. But then again, this battle isn’t mine, it’s yours. The mistakes aren’t mine, they’re yours. It’s your poison in my lungs. So maybe, despite the pain i’m feeling in my heart, which once bursted with love and joy, its better, for me too, to be alone? I have my own battle, which I fight every day. I cant see the light in the end of the tunnel yet, like you can. The source of my enemy is unknown and hiding within my own head. How can I fight an enemy I cant see? I need to rebuild the brick wall, towering like a fortress inside me, that was once protecting me.
You said my soul is golden, with a bright, purple aura. But what do you know about that? How can I be golden, when all I feel is blue? But then again, who am I to judge your honest and mistakes? All I do is run. Unlike you, I’m too scared to face my dark sides.
Its painful being able to realize the desires of others. It’s sad not being able to realize your own desires. So I’m drowning my thoughts in coffee and late night drunkenness, just so that I can escape this feeling that haunts me. The cigarettes helps me breathe. Watching all the people on the streets and their little details, helps the time pass.
You think this monstrous pain is your creation, but darling dear, you need to understand that although your absence is killing me, the pain was already there when you swept me off my feet, and has always been. You dropping me back down on the floor again, bruised me and ripped open a few wounds, but believe me when I say it wasn’t all you. Maybe you would’ve known if you ever took the time to step out of your own bubble and look inside mine?
I’ve just changed my cash into chips. I need to open my eyes and see what cards has been dealt, then play my game. I’ve only just sat down by the poker table. This game isn’t complete yet; the final hand hasn’t been dealt. And all though I’m out of place, waiting for the snow that wont fall, everyday is a step in the opposite direction of the past, following a path that will lead to closure and happiness. The memory of our fairytale gradually distances and tonight, I will bring it to sleep with me, so that I will not be taken away by the waves of the night.
Sunday night, on my way from Birkelunden to St. Hanshaugen, an old man stopped me and asked me what way he was walking. I told him he seemed to be walking the opposite direction of me; down towards Alexander Kielland’s Plass. He then asked me if I would care to join him for a glass of red, this late and rainy sunday night. I told him that I couldn’t as I was on my way home to get some sleep, slightly put off by the alcoholic whiff that already surrounded him, his unsteady walk and hazy eyes. I told him to have a good night, and as I walked off, he shouted after me “You are a very lucky human being! Very lucky!” He then turned his back at me and staggered away around the corner. He was right. I am very lucky. And I’m blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people. I’ve always known, but this sunday night, I had a realization and it came from a drunk stranger.
// ph by Luca – pictures from a summer party last week, it was magical // edit me
Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who fell in love with a country, with a man and a group of beautiful people. I’m back in Norway. My exchange year in England has come to an end. It is painful. I’m feeling a sorrow I’ve never felt before. It’s as if although I’m ‘home’ again, I’m further away from it than ever. I’m surrounded by a haze of confusion, split between two countries and the feeling of sadness from leaving one of them and the longing for the people I’ve left, and the excitement of being back and seeing everyone i’ve missed.
The past few weeks has been wonderful. So, so wonderful. I lived with the man and his friends in a student accommodation. Everyday was like a holiday, spent in the sun, with morning cigarettes and coffee, listening to great minds discussing peace and love, how to change the world and our lives. Drunk nights around a fire, long days by the river, midnight sex and laughter in the warm summer breeze. It’s been so beautiful, and leaving all these amazing people behind has left a gap, a black hole in my chest. However, I will cherish the memories and keep them safe in my heart forever. I know this year can never be replaced, it can never be the same, and I’m beyond grateful for all my experiences. I’ve learnt so much about myself. I’ve learnt to love again. I’ve learnt to care, to enjoy the little joyful moments in life. I’ve learnt to be grateful, to be humble, to be honest in my actions. And I thank every single person who has been a part of my life the past year for that. I am truly grateful.
Now I’m back. I’ve closed one chapter of my life, and I’m starting a new one. I’ve just started my new job at Carlings. It’s exciting and rewarding. Also, I just bought my Beacons festival ticket, and now I can count days until I’m going back to England.
Outfit from last week. Grunge-feel. My looks constantly changes from classy to shabby to grungey, and everything else in-between…
This bag is my fave item at the moment, as well as I’ve rediscovered my affection for shorts.
It’s been ages since my last outfit post. It’s a shame, really, as it’s something I really enjoy! I’ll try to do something about it. Agree?